Tørrential Thøughts | March
#SundayDecemberEleventh // #TenFortyNinePM // #SLCAPT
You know it's pretty crazy sitting here thinking about how much I am blessed and once, again, trying to figure out how to start off this book or if these will just be entries. I always feel like I talk about these things, and I think I have or maybe it is just something that I am #TunedInto. So many different things have happened since my entry on each of the health chapters. I know my positivity and excitement about life has saved me, but even more has been #Music.
Yeah, everyone gets down, #YouAreHuman. #iAmHuman. But, you have to have a #PositiveAttitude, during trials, health ones to be specific, if you don't, you will #SinkNSuffer a horrific mental breakdown, one that could take you to the edge of something you never thought you could become, or fathom. You don't want to go there. You don't want to see that. Well it happened again this year ...
My kidneys decided to fail again, in #NovemberTwentyFifteen, I told this girl that everything should be okay and that I have been down this road before, and that I know it, because I had been through #HemoAndPeritonealDialysis before, for almost two years. Damn, I was so wrong. So #FUCKING wrong.
I Actually wrote an excerpt about it in another little entry that I felt compelled to write. Here it is, as it was when I wrote it in #RealTime (probably, a lot of little errors, sorry, not worried about punctuation or little things when I am trying to type as fast as I want to say, which is decently close, but your brain is #FastAF...)
I am not really sure, once again why I am writing, why I would be doing this. I feel like it helps get out an #Emotion or #Intelligence for myself. I say #Intelligence because, sometimes I feel my #Dreams #Goals #Aspirations are endeavors that are not understood. It is not understood on the level of #Passion and constant #Love towards something, SO much bigger than me. I know I have convey'd this a lot but, its just so #FuckingTrue, so I have to #SpitIt.
Well I do have to confess, I did have an intention when I was doing this. #iAmScared. #iAmScared on what this might do to me. If you think about it, there are not a lot of books on how to adapt to becoming #Famous. Yes, I do understand that there are some, like #Guidelines, things to expect. However even if there was a constant #FBLiveBroadcast, each #Case is #Different #EachOfUsAreDifferent. I already know that it will change me. That is the hard part. Everyone has that dream of what they want to achieve once it happens, but no one really knows until it does.
I am not saying that I will destroy my personality by any means, because that is what makes me, me. I am saying that it's going to be hard to be away from my #Family #Friends and so many people I care about, as well as #Cutting some. I will miss out on moments that I will have #Cherished, but as selfish as it sounds, my time is #Literally shorter than yours. My body is breaking down, but my #Passion is #Surviving #Adapting and #Evolving. I need to do the same, but quicker.
My transplant had been declining for some time, I guess since #July. I only started to feel like #Shit before #ThanksgivingOfTwentyFifteen, which was consequently my #Birthday. I felt like everyday was becoming worse. I had to take a #HealthLeaveOfAbsence from my awesome job at #Netflix.
I was #Jobless once again, I guess that meant I was supposed to #Preform #Excel at something? I always #QuestionManyThings when I am feeling this way. I feel like my best work is #Portrayed during these #Struggles #TheseSuicideSessions. I became very #Desperate in my #OwnPersonalLivingSituation #Physically and #Mentally on purpose, because I needed that #Push that #Reality to write. To have a #Voice that would be #Heard, and would be #Strong with a #Power of #Reality that most of the time, I, well ... I guess you'll be the judge of that.
I had to edit the few chapters that I wrote to #Present #Pitch to #Virgin and #AlternativePressMagazine. Some of the work that I did was pretty #Impressive to #Myself which, means it should have been #PrettyPerfect for them, because of how #Critical I am on myself. It was never enough, I felt like, but what does your dream mean if it is not shared? #NotWorthShit.
So I did it, I achieved my goal and got them done. I was going to be emailing some friends in #PaloAlto also known as #SiliconValley on how I wanted to present, and if I even wanted to go to the magazine or do it myself? I have yet, to do that. I get scared doing a #ColdEmail, it is #Cold because they sorta know I exist, but we've never talked business. We've never talked about my dream, that I turned into a #Reality. A #FullBlownBeyondExtensiveBusinessPlan #CostsOutToPenny #Reciepes #FloorPlans #VariousInventions #AdaptiveAndEvolvingMarketing #AndSoSoMuchMore #ReadyToFuckingGo #HMURichardOrHollyBranson
I was also debating to pitch it to #AlternativePress. I would just fly out there and hope to meet them and #Present them with this #WorldChangingBusinessPlan or just do it myself. They were already going to be a collaborator in the #CommunicationsSector. I still have some awesome fucking ideas for them, for us. Some they have already done, but we can tweak them #LiquideStyle. I can be their #ReconRep you know like an #UnofficialMusicNarcThatIsAlreadyAddictedTheSubstanceAkaMusic :)
Everything has been slowly coming together. From #Notes #Screenshots #Articles #ResearchResearchResearch, everything was going on #BehindTheScenes. #ThousandPlusLinks saved on #FB. I was ready to pull the trigger at the end of #March because, in #April #SummerishWeather would be upon me, in #SLCUT. I would have been more #Active outside, I know, because that was one of the reasons I picked this location. I was going to get a mother fucking bike and go around the city, get in #Shape, eat better by the #Spirit #SLC. It was already a very noticeable, and different energy right as I started unpacking over a year ago. Just a better outlook on life, and not as in happy, as in #MoreProgressive than #HappyValley. Some things never go as planned, you can try and think of how you want to do anything, but it never is what it is, unless its #DejaVu, and don't even get me started on that fucking #Phenomena #Multiverse #DigiHologramLife ...
Back to the book? Well, my #FutureSelf wanted the #Underoath #FrontToBack concert to kick off my vision, of how I was going to definitely make myself #PushHarder, really put my #CreativityOnElite. #UO will still kick it off #Mentally, but it will now be in a much different fashion aka #NoMoshpit #SadDayForDevin.
During that time I went in for a regular check up with my doctor, because I wanted to work, I needed to be cleared. I was just sooo tired all the fucking time, just #Zombie4Real24Seven. He allotted me only a few days a month to be absent, it just ... was not enough. I was not well. I can tell very well how my body reacts. I had to find another job, #Netflix tried to accommodate, tried everything they could. My supervisor was awesome and rooted for me, to keep my job. I just wasn't getting paid but on payroll, when they should have let me go. Such a fucking great company!
I now knew, I could not find a job that I could have done with how my #Health was acting. Luckily, I was #Humbled once again, and some #Friends helped me with some costs of living, and medical bills. I can not stress enough how much that helped and how #Blessed I was, at that #PerfectTiming.
Life felt like it was getting harder, and I felt like people felt like I was #Milking it for some reason. Like a #PassiveJudgement #iAmInUtahThough. I once again went in for labs. It was early on a chilly #ThursdayOfMarchThirdTwentySixteen. I go in, and it is packed. #FuckiShouldHaveGoneInEarlier, but I took my medicine a little late the night before, so I had to come in #ElevenToTwelveHours after. I approach the #CounterTechnician. I feel like we have a cute little banter every time I come in :) I explained to her the last time I came in they drew the wrong order. How many do I have? “She tells me two.” I said, “Okay, well lets just do them all”.
They drew about #EightViles. I could not do a #Urinalysis, I then left and got home, took a shower and I sat down, got #JimmyFallon ready on #AppleTV, as well as contemplating where to go grab a snack. It was approximately #OneHour after my labs.
I am sitting there, putting on my shoes. #RingRing. “Hey Devin, this is #DrSoNSo how are feeling?” “Well I've been super tired and well basically feeling like #Shit to be honest.” 'Yeah, have you had any fluid retention at all?, he asks.' “No, I've been doing well in that area, but my legs started #TwitchingLastNight and I've been peeing a lot at night. 'Hmm... Well, your labs are pretty bad. You're #Creatine is 13.9.' “Wait, what?! That bad?!” I anxiously said. Yeah … your kidney function is at 4% to 5% we need to admit you to the hospital right away. Can you come in?”
Everything is going through my head, like … wait what the fuck? I have plans like a #SiblingTattoo at the #SLCTattooConvention with my sister #Analee, it is for her #Birthday. Also, I was supposed to go #Jeepin with some friends, as well as have an awesome #DinnerNight that we had started up. “Can I come in like, on Monday? Or is it really that bad?!,” I said.
“Yes, Devin you need to come into the hospital, we have to put you on dialysis right away. He says. “Whoa, for real?! Dialysis … I stammer ... like #HemoDialysis?! I say shockingly. “Yes, he replies, can you drive yourself?” “Yeah, I can.” I replied very #Somber.
All my #BrokenPlans are flying through my head. “This was my year to get shit #REALLY going.” “ I was pretty much done with my book.” “ I was just figuring out the best channel to #Pitch to a #Billionaire and or a #Collaboration, this week!” “How am I going to afford this? Shit?!” “Now, how do I break this to my family?” “#WellFffffuuuccckkk! I cannot, not get my #TwentyOnePilotsSiblingTattoo!” “How do I tell #Banana that?” “Damnit, I hope my IV gets placed fine … This is fuc” “Devin are you there?” Yeah, I reply. “I am direct #Admitting you. Go to the #TenthFloor you are in room #TenEleven #PatientTower.” my doctor says.
“At the #TransplantHospital right?” “Yes, I won't be there, its actually my day off but, #DrSoNSoTwo will be there.” “Okay.”
I finish my thought. #ThisFuckingSucks #HereWeGoAgain #RoundTwo #Fffffffffuuuuuuuccckkkkkk! Ahhhhhhhh! Alright, where is my backpack? Shit I need a #Hit to calm me down.
I then text all of my family, then my friends on what just went down. How these plans were now broken and I am sorry. While between each call, I break down a little bit. You know, go in front of the mirror with my shirt off, feel it, and look at once again how my body will become #Disfigured #Wounded #Destroyed ... will I ever know anything different? Probably not. #iBreakdownAgain Make another text, its #CopyAndPasteAtThatPoint #FuckIt.
Grab the essentials. In order #iPhone #Wallet #Headphones #APMagazines #ElectronicChargers #Underwear #HygienicItems #Pants #CloudPen #BandTeesThatiHaveNOTWornInTheHospital #Socks #Shoes #Keys #VitaminWater #DevOut.
My mother meets me and she asks if we need to #Register. #Nope #VIPSickStatus not the #SiccStatusiWantedTho. :( We get up to the floor. Everything is #DejaVu as my mom says, “This looks all a little too familiar right? It was, but I must have blocked my memories of the layout, as I do for #TraumaticThings. We were about three rooms away from where I was when I had my first #KidneyTransplantIKnewThat #HappySadThoughts #iSurvivedIt #iCanDoItAgain ... #iThink.
#DrSoNSoTwo comes in lets me know basically how #FuckedUp my body is and says we gotta start #DialysisASAP so we are just waiting on the surgical team to place a #CentralLineAgain. He was adamant that it be on the #RightSide, because it was closer for the main artery that would go into my heart or something like that. All I was thinking was, “Just put me the fuck under!” After my last #KidneyFailure in Louisiana, that shit was crazy, and its in a different chapter. Everything was just becoming #TooReal at that point ...
I had to wait and wait forever to get scheduled in there. It was a #WhoNeedsItMoreBasis, it made sense. It was not a problem except for I could not #Eat or #Drink after #Midnight, but my appetite had been so off, I would probably be hungry after midnight. Well long story short it was #FifteenHours that I could not eat! I hated it, but fuck they starve you, #FirstWorldProblemsMaybe for transplants. It was #ThreeDays #ForReal #NoFoodOrDrinkJustIVFluids, so I had to keep telling myself, I have been through this before. I know I can do it, because it has been done, and I will kick even more ass this time around! So #BringOn2016 #ForReal is and was my mentality.
It has been the start of my second week of #HemoDialysis and everything is going awesome. So well in fact they might tapper me off a half an hour or so every time. So it will be #ThreePointFiveHours #ThreeTimesAWeek, plus I am going to be getting placed with my #PeritonealCatheter this #ThursdayMarchSeventeenth. Everything will start going well, it will always be an #UphillBattle, for me that means #iAmProgressing #iMustBeDoingADamnGreatJobAtWhateverThisLifeIs
#SundayDecemberEleventh #TenFortyNinePM // #SLCAPT
My body at first was doing okay, it was tolerating the #HemoDialysis okay. I was then blessed and able to go on #PeritonealDialysis. I have headphones on in this picture and #Music has always helped my through my journey of … well, #Life. #BringMeTheHorizon and their newly released album #ThatsTheSpirit song #Doomed helped me quite a bit. It explained my situation pretty perfectly with everything that was happening in my life. I had #Dreams #Goals #Love and #Millions of thoughts running through my fucking head, and #Music is my drug to #EvenThingsOut, to #Listen and #Understand what the artist was trying to #Convey.
The thing that is great about that type of Dialysis, is that it is easier on the body, as a whole, and the great benefit of feeling like you are contributing to society by being able to obtaining employment, as with the current one, you feel like #Shit #VeryFatigued after Hemo-Dialysis. At least, I am.
Plus moving your work schedule around is a bitch, its hard to justify it because you have to go three times a week, for about 4.5hrs to 5hrs if everything runs smoothly. For example, they didn't take too much fluid off of you through your blood that you gained just by drinking water or whatever, because your body is not filtering anything, which is a lot when you get down to it. Your body is just full of toxins, so thats why you have to go so often, and someone has to monitor you constantly, because ALL of your blood is #LiterallyOutOfYourBody, and a machine is proxy for your kidney. #FuckingScience.
Personally, I went a little #CrayCray after about two week, with nothing to do, but #Sleep and #Eat. Almost like a newborn, but I didn't really eat. People think that having a job is tiring and yes, it can be, but what if that option was taken away from you due to nothing that you, yourself did. Illness plays #ExtremelyWeirdMindGames on you, and it fucking sucks. You break down every once in a while, because you feel like a #Nobody #Loser #ItSucks #iCanFeelMyLifeDisappearingIfThatMakesSense.
So back to that #SadButTrue statement I said to that girl, those trials above I knew were going to happen. It always takes a psychological toll on anyone, this however was nothing I expected, and I am currently still fucking dealing with. Its more #Annoying than anything because, its just like okay lets get this shit over with ...
Well this time, my Kidney like I said failed back in #NovemberTwentyFifteen, within a few weeks I started to feel weird and like something wrong was going on with my body. The horrible thing about knowing your body, as well as I do, it starts to make a #SubtleStress that can become a #TickingTimeBomb very quick if you are not careful. Mine affects my body more, because of my #SLELupus, which can trigger what is called a #Flare. I felt like that was happening, but zero of my own or the doctors #Remedies were working.
I had to see my doctor. I was luckily able to the very next day. I had just done my labs, for the most part had not changed. I was on #PeritonealDialysis at this time, so I was being monitored regularly, and the nurses at the clinic were more empathetic to my complaints, as I don't do that, especially about the abdominal pain, which was right above where my kidney transplant is.
During this visit, they had a #ResidentInTraining, which I usually welcome with a happy heart, because my health is a shit storm, it makes for a good story and #iSilentlyTest them to see if their education had paid off.
However, that day I was not having any fucking part of it. #iKnewWhatiKnew. My current doctor and this trainee even suggested that it would be something else that I was doing, like #MyDiet or that I was not #Exercising as much as I could be, because my number one complaint was that I was very #Fatigued, more than usual and my stomach hurt right above my transplant.
The Resident, then said, “I see that you partake in #Marijuana.” “Yes … and …”, I responded. He then said, “Well that could attribute to why you body is fatigued, as “his” friends become that way when they partake in that substance.” I thought to myself, “Okay, how am I going to put this.” “ First all your friends are probably #LittleBitches, and I have been smoking before you fucking came out of the womb and I know my shit on what I ingest in my body and how it reacts. This was not text book shit, it was something deeper.
I then kept my cool and told him, “Yes, some strains can make you become sleepy, however, I partake in #SativaStrains, which more often than not make you energized, not sleepy” He then began to try and argue a little bit, so then I told him what I was previously just thinking in my head, but at the end, said, “Yeah you should go get my doctor because, you don't know my body.” #OkayThanksByyyyeeee
I was pretty upset that my doctor was not listening to what I was saying. He is one that is very adamant about working and I was too but, I had missed quite a bit of work, with a new job, that they usually terminate you for missing ONE day within the #NinetyDayProbationPeriod, even with a doctors note.
Luckily, my boss was #ChillAF and helped battle for my case to stay, because, I was good at what I did and flew the fastest through training than anyone he had seen in the many years he had been employed as a manager there. I also, enjoyed my team and my job.
Well a few days later, shit went down, at work. I was fighting with my all to stay and then I looked down at my hands and they had started to #Peel, this was due to the type peritoneal fluid that I prescribed. #Purple was the color, which meant in laymen terms, it worked the best for dialysis and I didn't have to use as much fluid. The main side effect is that it can make your hands peel due to it #Potency in a way.
Yeah, it was pretty crazy, I did not know what to due. This was something #New, for ME. I then texted one the nurses that was on call. She told me at first to go to the hospital.
My body then started to do that thing where you just go to the worst scenario in your head and then become a #RealLifeHypochondriac in a way … you are just like … #Ffffffuuuuuucckkk :(
I told my boss, who I just told that I should be okay the day before when he asked to talk to me in private, that I had to go to the #ER. I was mad, I was mad at myself, and mad that I once again, had #NoControl. < (New Title Hashtag? :) I hate that feeling, it fucking sucks, and I fucking hate the emergency room, because they are even more non empathetic than anyone you meet, because are judgmental and bias before I even open my mouth. They believe because of the color of my skin and the state that I live in that I am there to score #Drugs aka# Opioids. #HighestOverdoseInTheFuckingNation #LegalizeItForReal even if you don't smoke it, for the sheer reason of saving peoples lives from overdosing on a substance that is fucking horrible for your body.
I was lucky that night, this doctor actually listened because she actually looked at my chart and actually saw why I literally there a few days ago, and a few days before that, and then before that! Three times I had been to the ER in less than a month! #FuckThoseCopays. At that point that I felt like I was a number just going through the system to come in and have a legitimate complaint then let go. It was not like I didn't have decent health insurance.
I then finally got a an appointment with my awesome surgeon, and luckily I did because my swelling on my stomach was at an all time high, and I had a high temperature again that day. The next day I finally was #Cleared to get a #CTScan from my insurance to see #WTF was going on, because nobody could give me any answers.
A few times I felt like I was taking #CrazyPills and that my bodies reaction and physical deformed body was not enough for the system anymore. #IsThisRealLifeOrAmIInAFuckingWormHole ? It was both. #FuckThisShit was said constantly through my head. At times, I admit I thought I was dying. It was a pretty shitty time in my life. Little did I know that I was going to become worst. I was going to experience #NewShit once again in my already #Doomed body.
Cut off my wings and come lock me up
Just pull the plug yeah, I've had enough
Tear me to pieces, sell me for parts
You're all vampires so here
You can have my heart
You can have my heart
You can have my heart
You can have my heart
You must have made some kind of mistake
I asked for Death but instead I'm awake
The Devil told me "No room for cheats"
I thought I'd sold my soul, but he kept the receipt
Some other "Facebook Statuses" and #SemiRealFBQuiz during that time
SCREEN GRABS FROM RESPECTIVE OWNERS OF:
#YOUTUBE #FACEBOOK #GENIUS #ARTWORKNOTSPECIFIED
CONTENT BY:/:/:/ DEVIN KAY SHASHI CHRISTENSEN